Almond Roca:

Before Thanksgiving I had been invited to a potluck. Now usually when I’m invited to a potluck I tell the host something like "Remember I’m a bachelor, please take it easy on me. I can bring chips, ice or paper plates." The fact is that I’m not a bad cook. Before I consented to my divorce I made my wife agree to teach me to cook Asian food (she’s Japanese and a great cook).

Years later my old roommate Steve who missed his calling to become a chef taught me quite a bit about cooking. I really enjoyed his lessons. He’d bring his girlfriend Debby over to the house and they’d spend the afternoon cooking. I’d stumble in around dinnertime and they’d invite me to join them for dinner (timing is everything). Then usually they would serve me and as I sat down I’d ask if they were going to join me. Steve would say "Well we’ve been nibbling all afternoon, we’re not hungry any longer". So Steve and Debby cooked all afternoon and I reaped the rewards.

This system worked well until he decided to marry her and kick me out of the house. I’m not bitter mind you. I can’t blame either of them. My stomach may still harbor some bitter feelings that cause my fingers to react the way they do on this keyboard but I have forgiven them both. Besides if I keep them feeling just a little bit guilty it ensures me an invite to their house for dinner whenever I get back to the West Coast.

Anyway back to the potluck. While in the store I found this pink box that had a mix for Almond Roca. Now I’ve made Almond Roca and gave it away as Christmas gifts a few years back. I thought that this would be easy to make and a nice change of pace; I bought it and took it home. Once I got home I realized that it did not have brown sugar in the mix. I also needed butter. I put the box in the cupboard and took a can of peas and a can-opener to the potluck.

While at the Cowboy Church (yes that’s the name of the church, God Bless America) last weekend they announced that TJ would open his home for a potluck on New Years Eve. I called TJ and gave him my same old "Poor Bachelor" story. He said that they had everything covered and I could bring whatever I wanted. Yesterday, I decided that it was time to break out the Almond Roca. I had already bought brown sugar and butter in preparation for this great event. I pulled out all the ingredients and looked at the butter, it’s the less fat kind (not that this ever helps me) and it says right across the front "not for baking".

So I’m off to the store to get the right kind of butter. I get back home and procrastinate a bit longer. Now I just barely have time to make this stuff and get to the potluck. The box says I need an 8" X 8" square pan. Well all I have is a 9" X 13" pan and I’m NOT going back to the store. It also tells me to mix the power in a bowl with some butter. Well I just moved and left most of my kitchen stuff in California. The only bowl I have is this big plastic punch bowl so I break out the rice cooker and mix the butter & mix in it.

As I cut the butter to put it in the bowl I dropped a chunk of butter on the floor. Then I proceed to rant & rave a bit. Well I mixed the butter & mix until I start to rant & rave again. Then pour it into the pan (first I covered the pan with tin foil). Next the directions tell me to mix ¼ cup of brown sugar with about 3 tablespoons of butter and cook it until it boils (about 4 minutes).

I turn the heat on and start to stir, and stir and stir. This stuff never did boil but it did turn into this kind of "glupe". As I look at what I’m cooking in the pan and then look at my pan with the mix in it I realize there is not nearly enough of this stuff to cover the mix. So I add more brown sugar and start to add more butter while still trying to stir this stuff so it won’t burn; you guessed it, the butter ends up on the floor again. That butter is as slippery as… well you know, butter.

I rant & rave and add more butter to the pan. I just left the other chunk of butter on the floor. I mix this into a good solid glupe then poured it over the mix. Even with the extra sugar & butter it still only covered about half the pan. I break out more brown sugar and butter and make another batch. Now I used the same brown sugar and the same butter but this second batch is a darker brown than the first batch. Well I’ve come to far to turn back now.

I pour the second batch over the rest of the mix now I have a two-tone kind of glupe poured over this mix and I’m suppose to bake it for 16 to 18 minutes. I put it into the preheated oven and set my timer for 15 minutes. I figured that it shouldn’t need as long to cook since it’s in a bigger pan and to be honest I haven’t followed the directions yet so why start now.

I need a break so I go into the living room and set down. I sit and wonder why I just didn’t buy a bag of chips to take to this potluck. Then I start to pray "Lord bless this stuff I’m making. Please don’t let anyone die from my cooking. If you do need to take someone at the potluck tonight please let them choke on the potato salad and not my Almond Roca. Amen".

Well I figure I had better go back and check on the progress of my creation. I check the timer and it is still at 15 minutes; I forgot to hit the start button; I rant & rave again! I swear I’m just about to get out my can of peas and my can opener! I pull the pan out and set it on top of the stove. The glupe on the top is bubbling. The directions tell me to pour the Almond Roca topping over the top and press it in with a fork. I cut the top off the bag of topping and set it back on the counter. It fell over and some of it spilled on the floor, I rant & rave again.

I quickly shook the rest of the bag on the glupe and pressed it in with a fork. Then I left it to cool while I got dressed for the potluck. I came back about ten minutes later and the right half of the pan had stopped bubbling but the left half was still bubbling. I stop to ponder the physics behind this then I realize that I left the stovetop burner on this entire time. Have you ever seen a grown man cry?

So now I have a two-tone pan of half-baked glupe to take to the potluck. I feel a lot like Charlie Brown; I’m either going to be a hero with my Almond Roca or a goat. In honor of this moment I go and change my shirt; I put on a Charlie Brown shirt and practice making goat noises.

Once at the potluck one of the girls asked me how to serve my Almond Roca. I just stand there with this blank goat look on my face. I told her I never really thought about that. I figured that I could just kind of break it into pieces. I started to bend it to break it but it would not break it just bends. She suggested that I take it outside and let it cool. I go out side set the pan down and practice making more goat noises.

Well once it cooled I was able to break it into pieces and brought it back into the house. I tried a piece, not bad, pretty good in fact. A bit hard on the teeth but pretty tasty. Now since I hate to throw away food I tend to have an over inflated opinion of my own cooking, so I’ll wait for the reaction of the others.

While I don’t think I made it to hero status I was not the goat either. I had several comments from folks that said they really liked my Almond Roca and I did not see anyone flailing on the ground with their hands around their throat. But to be fair I left early so I had to leave them all in God’s hands.

As I munch on my last piece of Almond Roca I contemplate my New Years resolution; I’m debating between losing weight and making Almond Roca for all the potlucks I’m invited too. Both seem like impossible goals; lucky for me Lent is just around the corner. You have to give up something for Lent; I always give up my New Years resolution. I think Lent is a Catholic thing and I’m not Catholic but I need some way to dump my New Years resolution. I think I’ll clean the kitchen tomorrow.